


Tad

by stew (julie)



Category: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension (1984)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, M/M, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1996-01-01
Updated: 1996-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:20:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22299970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julie/pseuds/stew
Summary: Tad is just an ordinary guy, but he’s befriended and loved by extraordinary people. He wishes he knew why, but then again he ain’t gonna argue!
Relationships: Buckaroo Banzai/Other(s), Rawhide (Buckaroo Banzai)/Other(s)





	Tad

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** A companion piece to my story [_Buckaroo’s First Recruit_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22129297) in SE1. Gabriel is my choice of ‘real’ name for Rawhide. 
> 
> **First published:** in my zine “Samurai Errant: Cavalier Tales Quixotic and Profane” #5 on 1 January 1996

# Tad

♦

## One: An Unexpected Move

‘So…’ The rest of Tad’s words were muffled behind a carton of lemonade bottles. After a moment he peered back over his shoulder. ‘Waddaya say?’

‘About what?’

Tad grinned sheepishly. ‘There’s another box of lemonade behind there, plus five singles, makes twenty-nine bottles.’

‘OK.’ Gabriel noted this down on his stocktake form, but seemed more interested in his companion. ‘What were you saying before?’

All he was addressing now was Tad’s butt. Lean in black linen trousers, it jiggled around before him as Tad wriggled into the shelving. ‘Hey!’ was heard, and Tad boosted himself further in, kicking the steps over in the process. Gabriel waited patiently for the inevitable flailing feet as Tad tried to find a foothold. He grabbed the other man’s hips. ‘Uh, Gabe…’

‘Just let go. Trust me.’

Tad did so, and was lowered to the ground. And was turned around. The proximity to his friend was both pleasant and disconcerting. ‘Thanks,’ he mumbled, ducking behind his fringe. ‘There’s a box of Jack Daniel’s hidden back there.’

‘OK. Now, what were you saying? Before the lemonade?’

‘Uh, Fiona. I was wondering when you were gonna –’ Tad found it convenient to wander off and count bottles of ginger ale.

‘When I was gonna…?’

‘Make your move.’ Tad flashed a look around as Gabriel pushed his hat back further.

‘First I heard about it. What move’s this?’

‘Gabriel!’

The other man’s smile fell at the unusual exasperation. ‘Hey, she’s a good friend, right? I ain’t planning on any moves.’

‘She likes you.’

‘I’m glad to hear it!’ Gabriel waited in vain for a reply. ‘She likes me as a friend,’ he finally explained. ‘But she sees the possibility of romance in you.’

Tad was shaking his head.

‘What?’ Gabriel asked.

‘You two – I just reckon you belong together. You shouldn’t let her go.’

‘I reckon you reckon wrong.’

‘You’re the two most wonderful people I’ve ever met,’ Tad said, his face flaming red as Gabriel turned to look at him. ‘Except for Florens – she was magical. But she’s gone now. So you and Fiona – it makes sense for you to get together.’

‘Tad, believe me: she’s on the verge of falling ass over for _you_ , not me. Take your own advice, man.’

‘She deserves you. I’m not anything special.’

That was said so quietly, Gabriel stared at his friend wondering whether he’d heard right. ‘Are you crazy? You’re as special as anyone I know.’ But Tad seemed criminally unconvinced. Gabriel got the sickening feeling this was no show of false modesty. ‘Tad, you’re about the most loveable and valuable person I know. Fiona finds you a very attractive proposition.’

‘I’d fail her. She’s so intelligent. And strong. And experienced. I’m not any of that.’

‘She likes what you are.’

‘OK.’ Tad shot him a look and started pacing around the pallets of boxes. ‘OK, just say that she liked me, and I took her out, and things happened – I mean, I’d just freeze on her. I wouldn’t know what to do or anything.’

‘Nice way to learn,’ Gabriel commented.

‘I _couldn’t!_ I mean – I’d just make an idiot of myself. Look, the first guy who kissed me –’ Tad paused, wolfish grin on his face. ‘I even stuffed that up. I was meant to say the first _person_ who kissed me was a guy.’

Gabriel carefully didn’t say a word, but Tad read simple surprise rather than shock.

‘You’ve been with other guys, too?’

‘Some,’ was Gabriel’s brief answer.

Tad caught the sarcasm but couldn’t decide whether _some_ meant _many_ or _bad_ or even _many bad_. He continued, ‘So I’ve kissed a few girls since, but none of them ever wanted more. And I wouldn’t have known what to do if they did.’

Wandering closer, Gabriel observed, ‘It will just happen. Just let it happen with Fiona. She’ll know what to do. The last thing you should do is worry about it.’

Tad didn’t move. There were footsteps outside, and Gabriel turned to watch the door. But the footsteps passed and the door remained firmly closed. He looked back around. There were less than twelve inches between them. Tad gazed at his friend from this new perspective.

And Gabriel stepped forward, long fingers tangling in the hair at the back of Tad’s neck, mouth kissing him with unexpected passion.

It was a long while before he broke away again. Neither moved. Tad’s ponytail was loose, and Gabriel gently tugged at the band until it fell free. Mesmerized, he ran his fingers again and again through the thick black hair. Tad’s eyes, almost as dark, watched him carefully. ‘Gabriel…’

The other man pulled himself together. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘ _Please_ don’t be.’

‘It’s just – when you said so casually, out of the blue like that, _the first guy who kissed me_ … My balls sorta jumped.’

Tad shrugged, grinning. ‘That was nice.’ He turned away, started counting bottles of Coca Cola. Gabriel rescued his papers from the floor. ‘Six boxes, plus nine singles, makes eighty-one bottles.’

‘OK.’ Gabriel wandered around after his friend, thoughts racing around one fact: _a very attractive proposition_. But Tad seemed to find the stocktake incredibly engrossing.

‘That’s all now,’ he finally declared just after one. ‘I bet McGraw can find something missing out of that little lot.’

‘Uh huh.’ Gabriel signed the stocktake forms and locked them away in McGraw’s four-drawer. He turned to find Tad already out in the corridor. ‘Hey, Tad…’

‘Just time to clean up Rudie’s mess before our shift ends,’ Tad called cheerfully.

Gabriel sighed – leaving Rudie alone at the bar had its disadvantages. But Tad was proved right, and they were ready to close up by two am. Gabriel ran one finger along a shelf and inspected the results. ‘Hhmmm,’ he imitated McGraw’s grudging show of satisfaction. ‘I might not fire you just yet.’

He heard Tad’s laugh, and he turned to him. Most of the lights were off, Rudie was leaving. ‘Tad…’

‘It’s been a long night, huh?’

‘Yeah.’ Alone again, Gabriel rushed through the nightly routine of locking up. He walked out through the foyer, grinning a little, looking around for his friend. If he concentrated, he could still taste Tad’s lips on his. If there was one thing he knew it was that he wanted that taste again. It wasn’t just that he’d been lonely since Florens had gone. There had been a sweetness in Tad’s kiss, a wildness waiting. If Gabriel could be the one to end that wait…

‘Goodnight, Gabe,’ Fiona called from reception.

‘Yeah, goodnight,’ came Tad’s voice.

Gabriel looked over to see Tad leaning nonchalantly over the desk, his usual pose when he was trying not to make it too obvious to Fiona that he was in love with her. He didn’t even look at Gabriel.

After a moment, Gabriel tipped his Stetson. ‘Goodnight, kids,’ he said. And he walked out into the frosty night air.

That night was a little more sleepless than most. Maybe it had taken a kiss to help him realize how lonely he was.

♦

One simply didn’t call in sick. That would be all the provocation McGraw needed to sack you without a reference. Over a lonesome dinner in a downtown cafe, Gabriel pondered a couple of possibilities. Was getting fired a worse prospect than facing Tad? Because he knew that Tad knew that Gabriel had wanted him, but Tad had preferred to ogle Fiona instead.

Gabriel sighed. A natural pride that had been bolstered by a successful adolescent sex life, and a marriage to the magical Florens, would simply have to be swallowed. If there was one thing he knew it was that Tad was a valuable and loveable friend. Fiona, too. He grinned ruefully. And swallowed hard.

The usual few minutes early, Gabriel strolled through to the bar, adjusting his tie. And Tad was there, back turned, serving a customer. Gabriel watched him for a moment, willing him not to turn around. For a start, he didn’t want to see the look on Tad’s face. And the view from the rear was most attractive – slim and dapper in his bartender’s black and white, the pony-tail a dash of individuality, waist lean as he stretched up to the higher shelf…

Tad turned around, and his eyes glowed as they met Gabriel’s. And Tad smiled – a large, beautiful, welcoming smile. And Gabriel realized that a similar grin was plastered over his face. _So much for hurt and rejection._

Not a word was spoken. Their eyes and lips and bodies communicated happily for a few hours, alone amongst their customers and colleagues.

Eventually they lured each other into the store room. Tad laughed mischievously as his friend locked the door behind them. A passionate kiss from Gabriel silenced him, but couldn’t muffle his humor.

‘I can’t believe you want me!’ Tad declared as soon as his lips were freed.

‘Crazy thing. You didn’t want me last night…’

‘I was scared!’

‘Lover…’ Gabriel chided, drawing him closer, ‘I’d never dream of hurting you.’ He soon found himself quite unable to stop pressing kisses all over his friend’s face and hair. _This could prove addictive._ ‘There’s nothing to be scared of.’

‘I know you wouldn’t hurt me.’

‘I am crazy with wanting you.’

‘You _mean_ you’re just horny, Gabriel.’ Tad groaned as the other man’s lips found a particularly sensitive place on his neck. ‘But, then, so am I,’ he added.

‘Tell me it’s _me_ you want.’ Gabriel was quiet for a moment, watching Tad’s face. Hooded with need, the dark eyes gazed back at him. ‘I was so lonely for you last night. And then how you smiled when you saw me –’

‘Of course I want you. I can’t get over _you_ wanting _me_.’

‘Quit all that humility! For tonight at least. Tonight…’ Gabriel trailed off, abruptly stepping away. Tad remained propped against the wall, as if he might fall. ‘I’d ask you home with me tonight, but I only have a single bed. I live in this tiny room. Tad, I’m crazy.’

‘It’s all right.’

Gabriel came close to his friend again. ‘You think I’m making an excuse?’

A slow shrug was the answer. ‘No,’ he said.

‘If there was a mirror here, you’d see.’ And Gabriel whispered, ‘Let my hands be your mirror.’ He suddenly crouched, leaving his hands gripping Tad’s hips. ‘Such long, slim legs,’ his palms running down from thigh to shin to ankle.

‘Scrawny,’ his friend protested.

‘They might have been if they weren’t so finely muscled.’ The hands ran back up the calves and around the thighs to the hips again. A thumb firm along each bone, moving to sweep the hollows inside. ‘Such sparse, economical lines. Such an exquisitely neat rear.’ Reaching to caress a buttock in each hand brought his face close to Tad’s groin.

‘ _Neat_ is a polite term for it.’ But the man’s breath was labored.

The hands continued up to his waist. ‘So slender, tapering out to a sensual masculine breast.’ Gabriel stood before him now, his hands caressing the arms hanging limp by his sides. ‘Such strength and suppleness. And then the hair, thick as midnight.’

Again he pulled at Tad’s hair, loosened it. Tad groaned involuntarily. ‘The beautiful, strong face,’ fingertips so gentle now, ‘the eyes so dark and subtle.’ Gabriel stepped closer, his whole body now caressing Tad’s. ‘Aren’t you beautiful? Aren’t you sensual?’

So close, the words seemed to vibrate deeply in Tad’s own throat. ‘You make me feel so.’

‘Then it’s true. And inside this amazingly attractive body is a man so… _entirely_ loveable. Don’t you believe me?’

‘If I must.’ Tad smiled a little, lips hungry. Gabriel kissed him, hands now strong, now gentle. ‘It doesn’t matter about your bed.’

‘No? As if I could be uncomfortable lying in your arms all night.’

‘I mean, there’s a double bed in my flat. Kev sleeps there, but we agreed I could chuck him out if I ever got lucky.’

‘Problem solved,’ Gabriel murmured as he bent again to plant kisses along Tad’s shoulder.

♦

They sat barely touching in the taxi, passion transmuted to almost unbearable closeness. Tad’s flat-mate Kev, woken at three in the morning to be shunted off to Tad’s room, seemed surprised and liable to laughter. Gabriel helped Tad change the sheets, and they undressed in amiable silence. The domesticity and friendliness was all to Tad for a long while, so that as they each clambered naked under the blankets, Tad half expected to simply fall companionably asleep. But Gabriel turned the bedside light off, and moved immediately to lie over him.

Tad lay happily quiescent under his friend’s heavy, warm weight, his arms encircling the unknown territory of a strong back in loose embrace. While Gabriel found his own satisfaction in moving against the other’s body, mouth busy across the chest and shoulders, Tad lay still, happy to simply experience the touch of another human’s skin against his. Eventually, however, Gabriel came to realize that his passion was not being answered.

‘I’m a selfish lover,’ he murmured ruefully. ‘All I do is excite myself.’

Grateful for the darkness, Tad blushed. ‘It’s just all so new to me. I don’t even know how to feel.’

‘Something like this maybe…’ And Gabriel moved to lay beside him. Tad jumped as he felt an unexpected hand move to take his cock gently into a palm. He held his breath as his friend quickly teased him into an erection. ‘Hhmmm?’

‘Yes!’

‘But?’

‘But it’s so odd. Being here with you – I mean being here with another person at all. It doesn’t seem quite right, you know?’

‘I know. The feelings are something you have to get used to. You’ll learn how to enjoy it. It won’t take long, I promise. As long as you’re happy?’

‘I am _very_ happy.’

‘Good.’

And Gabriel moved down his friend’s body, kissing, caressing. Tad gasped again as he felt a tongue and lips touch his cock delicately. ‘Very happy,’ he kept murmuring unknowingly, ‘very happy.’

♦

‘ _Lord_ , that was good.’ Gabriel lay back against the pillows, one hand lying contented on his belly. ‘You make the best cheese omelet…’

‘Thanks.’ Tad grinned happily as he cleared aside the cups, plates and tray.

‘I’ve always wondered – if you don’t mind me asking – why a qualified chef chooses to work as a bartender.’

Tad sat again at the foot of the bed, fully dressed and self-conscious in contrast to a naked and relaxed Gabriel. ‘Well, I love cooking, but I never found a restaurant or job that suits me.’

‘Why? Too innovative or something?’

‘No, it’s… I never told anyone this before, OK? I just like cooking for people I love, see. It’s no good if it’s just a bunch of strangers I never even meet. I can’t give that much of myself to them.’

‘Then I am doubly honored to have eaten that omelet.’ There was silence for a long moment. ‘Have you got plans for today?’ Gabriel asked lightly.

‘Uh, no.’

‘Then why do you have all those clothes on? Come over here.’

Tad sat up straight, demurring.

‘I’d have thought, after last night,’ Gabriel drawled kindly, ‘seeing as you were so keen to try _everything_ , you’d want to try the morning after, too.’ He sprawled back in the bed, grinning sensually.

‘The _afternoon_ after,’ Tad corrected.

‘You don’t want me, lover? It’s all right. I’m just greedy.’

‘It’s not that I don’t want you.’

‘Fiona, then? I know it’s her you love, I don’t expect you to love me like that.’ Gabriel smiled. ‘Have I bolstered your confidence enough? Maybe you’ve got plans for tonight. Make that infamous move at last.’

‘I don’t think so. She’s a little more patient than you.’

‘Like, you reckon she’s not gonna drag you into bed as soon as she kisses you? Don’t count on it. One taste of you and…’

‘I mean, I’m gonna wait for her to make a move, if I have to wait my whole life.’

‘What if she thinks you’re not interested?’

Tad shrugged. ‘She knows I am.’

‘You’re risking a lot of love there.’

‘Hey, _you_ made a move on me. There’s hope yet!’

Gabriel shared his smile. ‘Well, I’d better get dressed, too, huh? It’s getting late.’

‘You don’t have to,’ Tad put in quickly.

Eyeing him, Gabriel asked, ‘You want to make love with me again? But you’re still unsure of how attractive I find you?’

‘Something like that,’ Tad mumbled.

‘You’re crazy, lover.’ Gabriel stalked slowly down the bed on hands and knees. ‘Just let me at you, and I’ll prove how much I want you.’

‘Gabe…’

‘No buts.’ The man pounced on his friend, and Tad laughed at the gentle attack.

♦

They lay quiet a short while later, sprawled upside down on the bed, Tad still virtually fully dressed. He smiled happily to himself, face against Gabriel’s chest. ‘You’re very good at this.’

‘You’re learning pretty fast yourself.’

Tad wriggled closer. ‘It’s been so nice with you.’

‘Lover,’ Gabriel said slowly, ‘if Fiona has no claim on you right now, and if you have no objections…’

‘Yes?’

‘The idea of having an affair with you is incredibly tempting.’

‘It is?’

‘I _promise_ you.’

‘I have no objections at all,’ Tad whispered.

‘I love you, you know.’ Gabriel leaned up on an elbow to face his friend. When Tad tried to look bashfully away, Gabriel gently secured his chin in one hand. ‘I don’t want to get in Fiona’s way, but I love you, and I want you to know that.’

‘I love you, too,’ Tad said, closing his eyes as a last defense. ‘If you can love two people at once, that’s how I feel for you and Fiona.’ He opened his eyes again to look fiercely up at his friend. ‘That’s how I’ve always felt for you.’

‘Is it, Tad? You are the sweetest thing.’

‘Nothing to compare with Florens.’

‘You have your own magic, lover.’ And something in Tad was gone forever as he saw Gabriel’s sincerity. ‘There is a magic in you, and I have all the time in the world to make you know it.’

‘Very community-spirited of you,’ was the dry comment.

‘Don’t you worry – it is going to prove a very worthwhile endeavor.’ And Gabriel’s grin was huge as he bent over Tad. Too huge for kissing – they rolled over laughing, and promptly fell off the bed.

♦

## Two: Interlude

‘Hey, sexy.’

Tad started at the unexpected intrusion of his friend. ‘Rawhide! I thought you were still in merry old England.’

‘Came back early.’ Rawhide grinned. ‘Heard Fiona was off to the Antarctic with Idaho Joe and Pecos.’

‘So?’ Tad queried innocently.

The grin, if possible, grew in lewdness. ‘So, can’t have a gorgeous fellow like you feeling lonely, can we?’ Rawhide sat by Tad on the sofa, becoming a little serious. ‘Anyhow, it’s been a long while, lover. I’ve been missing you.’

Tad smiled fondly. ‘I feel like I just conjured you up. I was thinking very naughty thoughts about you, and here you suddenly are beside me.’

‘Always told you there was telepathy between us. Convinced now?’

‘I suppose.’

‘So…’ Rawhide sidled closer, easing an arm around his friend’s shoulders. ‘What were you thinking? Tell me all the details.’

Tad instinctively glanced around the bunkhouse, though it was past midnight, and he’d been the only occupant for an hour or more. Apart from which, there was no way he’d have that comfortable arm around him if they had company. ‘Do you have any fantasies, Rawhide?’

‘Yeah, sure – but don’t tell anyone, OK? One day I’m going to be hiking in the Amazon, and I’ll find an undiscovered tribe, and they’re gonna have such a sensible, wonderful, peaceful philosophy that the whole world will learn from them, and live together in loving harmony from then on.’

The dark eyes gazed at Rawhide in awe for a moment, before dissolving into giggles. ‘That would have to be,’ Tad spluttered, ‘the most amazing thing I have ever heard.’

‘Thanks a heap.’

‘No, really.’ Tad tried to look serious again. ‘That’s beautiful – _you’re_ beautiful.’

‘So what’s your dream? I think I deserve to be told.’

‘I just want to cook for you all.’ Tad shrugged. ‘It sounds silly, I know, but if the food I cook makes the people I love happy and healthy and stimulated, that’s all I want.’

‘That’s not silly.’

‘If I can still surprise and delight you with my Sunday lunch in twenty years’ time, I’ve succeeded.’

‘And will you still delight me _after_ Sunday lunch in twenty years’ time?’ Rawhide murmured. ‘You still want to make me happy and healthy and stimulated with your loving?’

‘Yeah, sweetheart.’ Tad leaned up for the promise in his friend’s kiss. ‘Hey, but I meant before, do you have any _sexual_ fantasies? Any daydreams like that?’

‘Other than the one that comes true every time I touch you?’

‘You _are_ in a soppy mood.’

Rawhide rumbled a laugh, but then had to admit, ‘Guess I don’t have much of an imagination. When I’ve thought of something I wanna try, then, if everyone’s willing, I’ve tried it.’

‘That strikes me as a very healthy attitude,’ Tad said reassuringly.

Which turned Rawhide’s rumble into a belly laugh. ‘Obviously it’s never been weird enough for you to even notice!’

Tad grinned at him. ‘That’s fine, that’s honestly absolutely fine. But now you’re gonna think I’m depraved.’

‘My innocent Tad?’

Tad held on tight to his friend. ‘If you like me innocent, then forget I said anything.’

‘No, tell me what you were dreaming of. You don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not for me.’

‘Well, this will _really_ sound silly, OK? But it was back in King Arthur’s time, and you were a brave knight – Sir Gabriel – and I was a squire or something. And you wanted me so bad, but I didn’t know what you were on about, and you were embarrassed to be too obvious at Camelot. So you say you’ll meet me at your castle on a certain day after some quest you were off on. Is this too silly?’

‘No!’ Rawhide protested, his smile warm and amused and eager. ‘I had no idea…’

‘I think you’re gonna employ me as your squire or something, so off I go, all very trusting. But when I get to your castle, all your people look at me strangely, and are really uncomfortable with me. Because you’ve gone quite mad with need for me, and come up with this strange plan to get me. The evening you’re expected to return, under orders, they drug me with something in my wine, and put me to bed, and… Are you sure you want to hear this?’

‘Don’t you dare stop now.’

‘…and chain me by one ankle to the foot of the bed. All I’m dressed in is a long night-shirt thing. I wake up at some stage during the night, and start pacing around as far as the chain will let me, in an effort to clear my head and work out what’s going on. And then you show up…’

‘Yes???’

‘And I’m all muddled and cold and frightened and trying to be brave. And you’re so horny and scared and can’t think straight. So you just take me then and there. Like you can’t think of any way else. You think you’re the only guy in the world who wants other men. But the shameful bit is that I forgive you. We become lovers.’

‘I’m glad.’

‘Are you? It’s not like… something either of us would forgive in reality.’

‘I know. I’m just glad we sorted through all that muddle in your dream, that’s what I meant. I didn’t mean – There’s no way, I promise, that I’d ever do that in reality. You believe me, don’t you?’ Rawhide pulled out of Tad’s embrace, confused with mingled wants and fears – for he couldn’t deny that Tad’s story had stirred him.

‘Hey, it’s all right, lover. I know you’d never mean it. But if we both want to pretend, then where’s the harm? It’s simply passion, if we’re playing around. Animal sexuality. We don’t have to pretend the passion isn’t there inside us.’

‘Dear God…’

Tad moved to kneel on the floor before him, almost close enough to touch. ‘What is it, Sir Gabriel? What is it you want of me?’

Rawhide muffled a groan, pulled back the shaking hand he had reached out. ‘I want _you_ so bad.’

‘I don’t understand, Sir. I am here with you.’ Those innocent dark eyes moist and seeking to please.

‘Go to – go to your room. I will be there in a few moments. I will – explain.’

‘Yes, Sir Gabriel.’

‘Wait! – Tad, dear Lord, just promise me one thing. Don’t let me do anything you don’t want me to. Will you promise me that? Or I’ll hate myself for ever.’

‘Of course. Don’t worry – I’m going to enjoy this quite as much as you are.’

‘I wouldn’t bet on that, my friend.’ Alone again, Rawhide gazed fixedly into the darkness. Eventually a slow grin spread across his face. ‘Time to go employ me a squire. If Arthur only knew what we all get up to…’ He shrugged. _Maybe he’d want to join in_. One never knew.

♦

## Three: Buckaroo’s Move

‘You can’t go on like this, Buckaroo.’

Tad looked up at the anger in Rawhide’s voice. Everyone had been treating Buckaroo with kid gloves since fall; it wasn’t unexpected that Rawhide would be the first to crack.

‘Like what?’ Buckaroo tried to pretend he didn’t know what Rawhide was talking about, but Tad had found that Buckaroo could only ever tell a convincing lie if it was actually necessary to survival.

‘Sitting up here moping around. You’ve hardly even been outside since Sabah, let alone out of the Institute. This is ridiculous.’

‘I’ve been studying,’ Buckaroo protested weakly. And he did indeed have a book open on his knees. ‘Brushing up on particle physics.’

‘Tell me _one_ thing you’ve learned,’ Rawhide demanded. Tad and Buckaroo winced in unison. At his severest, Rawhide stared at his friend and mentor until the poor man shrugged acceptance. ‘You were all right while you thought you could solve the mystery. Then you just withdrew. But you’ve got to realize you have a life to lead, Buckaroo. You can’t just sit up here – there are other things to do. Peggy’s murder isn’t the only thing which deserves your attention. The Institute –’

‘The Institute has a life of its own,’ Buckaroo interrupted. ‘And you’ve been doing a fine job of guiding it.’

‘You aren’t in a position to know whether I’ve been doing a fine job or not.’

‘Rawhide –’ Tad started, but the other man plunged on regardless.

‘You sit up here and do _nothing_. How can you live with yourself? How can you not demand of yourself what you demand of others?’

‘I force no one to follow my example.’

‘No – you force them to do _better_. Did you let Mrs Johnson sit around and do nothing for weeks after Flyboy was killed? Hell, no – you had her working again the afternoon of the funeral.’

‘She needed occupation.’

‘ _So do you_! What have you done? – entombed yourself. _Peggy’s_ dead, Buckaroo – not you.’ But all his anger drained into shame as Rawhide saw the sudden grief and hurt naked in Buckaroo’s eyes. Looking away from the steadfast gaze, he mumbled, ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put it that way.’

‘It’s all right,’ Buckaroo replied through his tears.

‘It’s just that, well, we’re all carrying on, and you’re not there. It’s like we’ve lost you, too. Things will never be the same, I know that, but there’s other people out there who need you.’

‘I see that now, my friend. I have been very selfish.’

‘Selfish? You don’t even reproach me for being so rude.’ Rawhide stood. ‘I can’t believe what I’ve just said to you – I was gonna be so calm and logical.’

Buckaroo slowly stood to face him. It hurt Rawhide even more to see how the previously lithe and limber body had stiffened through this crazy hibernation, as if he’d aged a decade or more. But at last there was a light in Buckaroo’s eyes behind the dull pain. ‘Maybe I needed to be shocked into life again,’ Buckaroo replied, reaching to grip one of Rawhide’s hands in his. ‘Someday maybe I can make it up to you.’

Choked with emotion himself, Rawhide made his way out of the study, closing the door quietly behind him. Buckaroo lapsed back into silence, but his face was thoughtful now, and his posture alert.

After some time, Buckaroo looked over at Tad. ‘And what can I say to you?’

Tad looked up from the novel he was reading. ‘Me?’

‘Yes, _you_.’ There was even a hint of a smile on Buckaroo’s lips. ‘Rawhide has been a true friend, but you have been the truest.’

‘No –’

‘You have been so good to me all this time: keeping me company, looking after me. I’m sure if you weren’t here, no one would have even remembered to feed me.’

‘Of course they would have.’ Tad grimaced. ‘Actually I’m afraid I’ve done all the wrong things yet again.’

‘How so?’

‘I know he hurt you, but Rawhide was right. I shouldn’t have let you hide away for so long.’

Buckaroo smiled fully now. ‘My dear Tad, I have no one but myself to blame. I have taken advantage of your friendship.’

Looking pleased, Tad shrugged. ‘That’s what I’m here for.’ At Buckaroo’s rather disapproving look, he continued, ‘Anyhow, I had a couple of books I wanted to read. It’s been very relaxing up here with you.’

‘It has?’

Tad sighed. ‘No, actually. I’ve been sick with worry.’

Tears sprang to Buckaroo’s eyes again. ‘What I’ve put you all through.’

‘It’s all right,’ Tad murmured, moving to sit next to Buckaroo on the sofa, and putting an arm around him. ‘It’s all right now. Come on, you haven’t cried since Peggy’s funeral.’

‘You think I should?’ Buckaroo asked, half laughing as the tears were already pouring down his cheeks.

‘Yes, my dear, I think you should.’ And Tad pulled Buckaroo into his embrace and held him close for a while.

♦

After having gone through Tad’s handkerchief as well as his own, Buckaroo began feeling something akin to relief. Staying firmly in Tad’s arms, he managed a wobbly smile. ‘Can I impose on you for a while longer?’

‘Of course.’

‘I don’t think I want to face anyone else just yet.’

‘That’s understandable.’

‘I look that awful with red eyes, do I?’

Tad grinned. ‘No – you’re looking as handsome as ever. I meant you still need time to get yourself together, that’s all.’

‘I don’t think I deserve you being so indulgent, my friend.’

‘That’s my line, surely.’ They smiled at each other for a time. ‘Now, how did you want to impose on me exactly?’

‘I want to stay hidden away a while longer. You could tell Rawhide I’ll be down the mess for breakfast tomorrow.’

‘OK.’ Tad considered. ‘How about you come back to my rooms, huh? Fiona’s away, no one’ll disturb us there. I’ll get Sam to do dinner tonight.’

‘Sounds delightful.’

♦

Buckaroo soaked a few more cares away in a warm bath, while Tad set Rawhide’s worries to rest and organized dinner. He carried a tray of delicacies back to his rooms, and locked the door against intruders. ‘You’re safe until tomorrow! But if you don’t show up as promised at breakfast, Rawhide will probably send Tommy up with a strike team.’

‘I consider myself warned,’ Buckaroo said dreamily from amongst the bubbles. ‘You’re amazing. I don’t know what we’d do without you.’

‘Oh, I’m sure Sam would fill in until you could hire another chef.’ Tad stood over his friend, grinning.

Buckaroo eyed him. ‘If I thought you meant that…’

‘Bad habit, I know.’ He crouched by the bath. ‘Let me wash your hair for you.’

‘OK.’

Buckaroo’s initial discomfort soon disappeared under Tad’s massaging fingers. ‘Is that good?’

‘Lovely. Quite as nice as when Peggy used to wash my hair for me.’

‘Ah. Put my foot right in it again, eh?’

Buckaroo chuckled. ‘I just won’t ask you to soap me up like she did, too.’

‘Oh, well.’ Tad sat back on the floor while Buckaroo did the honors.

‘Tell me about that novel you were reading,’ he asked. For a while they sorted out all the salient plot and character points. ‘I haven’t done this much thinking for months. I know what my next scientific research will be, though.’

‘Hhmmm?’

‘Bubbles that don’t go flat when you use the soap!’

‘Brilliant! At last the fame and fortune you deserve will be yours.’

Buckaroo laughed outright at this. He stepped out of the bath and toweled himself off. Tad appeared with a bathrobe, which he held for Buckaroo, allowing himself a quick embrace as he arranged the robe around the other man’s shoulders. To his surprise, Buckaroo leaned back against him, one hand reaching to secure his arms. ‘Rawhide was right,’ he murmured. ‘I was dead. How ridiculous. Peggy would be most unimpressed.’

‘She’d be proud of you now.’

They ate sitting cross-legged on Tad’s bed, chatting and listening to music tapes. Then they stretched out, leaning up on the pillows, to watch a video or two. As night darkened, the only light came from the flickering images on the screen. At some stage, Buckaroo held Tad’s hand in his, and carried on their conversation regardless.

It was maybe midnight. ‘Can I stay here the night, Tad?’

The other man shrugged. ‘Sure. You have the bed, I’ll go grab a spare mattress.’

‘It’s a double bed,’ Buckaroo pointed out. ‘More than enough room for both of us.’

‘If that’s what you’d like,’ Tad agreed grudgingly. He stared fixedly at their hands twined together on the spread between them.

‘Does that make you uncomfortable, my dear? It was just an idea.’

‘A nice one. But I thought that – Well, I thought you might know about me by now. And that you’d be uncomfortable.’ Tad saw that Buckaroo wasn’t going to be helpful. ‘The first guy who made love to me – what I mean is, the first person who loved me was a man. So maybe you wouldn’t want to sleep with me.’

‘Rawhide.’

‘I knew you’d know.’

‘I just guessed then! He never told me. I never caught you at anything…’

Tad smiled at him. ‘We were lovers for a while in Chicago. Then he figured Fiona was my only priority, and we were friends again when I was first married. But Fiona and I lead very different lives. So eventually I seduced him into loving me again, when everything else allowed.’

‘And you’re still lovers? That’s romantic. I’m glad for you both.’

Grinning ruefully, Tad said, ‘I never looked for anyone’s approval.’

‘When I was at college, people would occasionally capture my attention, and seduce me. I figured if they went to the bother of getting through to me despite my preoccupation with work, then it would be rude of me to refuse. And there were some women and some men. How could I disapprove of you?’ They grinned at each other then. ‘Peggy was the one who didn’t have to work to get my attention. And I didn’t return to my studies the next day and forget her. She distracted me for ever after.’

‘Now, _that’s_ what I call romantic.’ They were silent for a while, as the movie finished and Tad bustled around tidying up.

Buckaroo lay staring reflectively into nowhere. ‘We may never know who killed her.’

‘You did everything you could to find out.’

‘As with my parents, all I can do is suspect Xan. He’d claim responsibility just to spite me even if it was someone else entirely.’

‘Who else could be so cruel? On your wedding day –’ Tad turned a bedside light on, and picked up a framed photo of his own wedding. ‘Who else would do that to you?’

Buckaroo sat up abruptly. ‘It’s all so senseless, whether it was Xan or not. But who’s going to carry on this damnably ridiculous family feud if I’m not to have children? Why would Xan kill my wife? At least with my parents –’

‘He knows the feud stops here. Don’t tell me you’re not going to do away with him and his retinue before you shuffle off this mortal coil.’ Tad laughed. ‘And if you don’t, I reckon you’ll hang around and haunt him until he dies of terror.’

‘Now, that’s an idea.’ Buckaroo regained his good humor. ‘You’re full of good ideas today.’

‘Like, it’s time for sleep now?’

‘Yeah.’ Buckaroo smiled contentedly.

♦

‘Are you still awake?’ Tad whispered.

‘I’m afraid so. I haven’t been sleeping very well lately.’

‘You never did used to sleep a full night, did you?’

‘No. And now all I do –’

‘I know. The brain keeps running in useless circles. I’ve been there, too.’ Tad, lying on his stomach, propped himself up on his elbows. There was enough light through the open curtains for him to see the man beside him. ‘But tonight there’s a solution.’

‘Yes?’

‘Yeah. Talk to me. Start telling me what your brain’s thinking, and you’ll soon bore yourself to sleep.’

Buckaroo let out an undignified giggle. ‘That’s unfair.’

‘Come on. Come here and get comfortable first.’ Tad turned to prop himself up against the pillows. Buckaroo was moved over to lay back against his chest, Tad’s arms firmly around him. ‘Comfortable? There are very few cures in this world that don’t involve a little TLC.’

‘Yes, doctor.’

‘So, start talking.’

A sigh was heard. ‘All I’m thinking right now, Tad, is that you’re the most caring and loveable person I know.’

‘Nah. You must be thinking of someone else. That sounds more like Rawhide.’ It was Tad’s turn to sigh. ‘It hurt him to say those things to you, Buckaroo, but he did it because he loves you.’

‘I know that, my dear. I won’t forget it.’

‘But me, I just let you stew in your own juices for weeks.’

‘And now you hold me close. Maybe I needed both of you.’

‘I’m too damn introverted to do what’s best for anyone else. If I’d just –’

‘Oh, shut up and come down here,’ Buckaroo said fiercely.

It was Tad’s turn to be man-handled. He found himself in a tight embrace, breast to breast and hip to hip, wondering whether he should have left his jocks on after all. It seemed a little sacrilegious to risk an erection in Buckaroo Banzai’s arms. ‘Shutting up, sir,’ he quipped, trying to maintain some strand of humor.

‘You’ve always had far too much humility,’ Buckaroo told him. ‘A little is wise – too much leads to wasted potential.’ Then he smiled, slipping from the maxim to a simple truth. ‘I’d have thought Fiona and Rawhide would have made you realize your own worth by now.’

Tad laughed. ‘They’re the most awesome of the lot of you. All I do is thank the gods I can keep a part of each of them happy.’

‘I’m sure you do much more than that.’

‘Well, they each keep a part of me happy, so I guess it’s all fair, huh?’

Buckaroo held him tight. ‘You deserve to have more than a couple of parts of you happy.’

‘But I do. I couldn’t be happier.’ Tad was surprised by a growl from the other man. ‘I’m not lying to you.’

‘All right.’ Buckaroo’s tone indicated that the argument was simply on hold for a while.

‘Come on, I’ve got the best wife and the best lover – but there’s more to life, right? You should be the last person to deny someone’s need for other fulfilments.’

‘True.’

‘For instance, I know my work isn’t as intellectual as yours, but it’s just as fulfilling to me.’

Buckaroo indicated defeat. ‘I just want you to know what a special person you are.’

Tad laughed. ‘Around here, I tend to pale by comparison.’

‘That is so untrue, I don’t know where to begin.’

‘Don’t worry about it. Aren’t I also one of the most well-adjusted people at the Institute?’

‘I suppose so.’ Buckaroo reached a hand up to stroke Tad’s hair back. People tended to do that whenever they got close enough, just to see the half of his face that was hidden by the long fringe. ‘One of the most well-adjusted, _handsome_ people…’

They laughed together, then Tad regarded his friend for a long moment. ‘Come on, get comfortable, Buckaroo. You must be sleepier now.’

‘Getting that way.’ Buckaroo pressed a friendly kiss against Tad’s lips. ‘You’re an angel.’

‘I try.’ They lay in a friendly embrace. It became the sweetest thing in the world that they could lie there together so close in body and spirit and consider the possibility of sex between them superfluous. Tad ran gentle fingers through Buckaroo’s hair. ‘So beautiful,’ he whispered.

‘Tad –’ Tears again, the sorrow welling. ‘Peggy. There was nothing I could do. I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s all right, it’s all right.’ Tad rocked his friend. ‘It’s all right now.’

‘Yes.’ Buckaroo soon lay quiet again, the raw grief having finally started to heal.

‘That’s it, my dear. You don’t have to be afraid to remember.’ Tad held him, kissed his hair. And then he kissed Buckaroo on the lips.

And as Buckaroo tentatively, carefully reached to take his friend to him, the sweetest thing in the world became the love they would make between them.

♦

They were walking out through Tad’s door the next morning when Buckaroo finally gave in to the urge. He pulled the other man to him in a show of tender roughness that surprised them both. ‘I don’t want to give you up.’

Tad grinned. ‘Yeah?’

‘If I need some more TLC…’

‘Anytime, Buckaroo, anytime. I’ll be here for you.’

‘You mean that? You already have two people in love with you. What do you want with one more?’

‘Just call me greedy, lover. Unless you can think of a word a little more polite.’

‘I can think of plenty.’

‘Then one day you can tell me them all…’

♦

## Four: Finale

‘Hey, kid,’ was the only warning Tad had of Rawhide’s sudden appearance. He was blinded for a moment by being used as a hat-stand for Rawhide’s Stetson. Tilting it back, he grinned as his lover sat close by him on the sofa. ‘Hey, Buckaroo,’ Rawhide added, sharing his smile generously between the two of them.

Tad caught Buckaroo’s reply – a half-shy, half-amused grin – and recognized that some message was passing between them. It amazed him all over again how the two friends communicated so much to each other without words. Rawhide had always maintained that there was telepathy between him and Tad as well, though Tad found it hard to credit – he was very much an entity alone, if rarely lonely. _It’s probably more a combination of Rawhide being an expert in humanity and me being so unsubtle_. It seemed typical to him, that he should be so easily read.

‘So, how have you been?’ Rawhide was blandly enquiring.

‘What, since you saw me at dinner? Very well, actually.’

‘Oh, good, that’s good.’ Again, Rawhide shared some amused thoughts with Buckaroo. They could easily be mistaken for two school children with a guilty, exciting secret.

Tad almost leapt out of his skin as he felt Rawhide’s hand slide firmly, sensually across his stomach. In all the years of their illicit affair, Tad had never once felt a lover’s touch in company. He looked over at Buckaroo, who just happened to have been his other illicit lover over the past few months, to see if he’d noticed. Buckaroo remained studiously engrossed in revising some of his notes. In a pool of light, he might not have seen what the other two were up to in the dimmer reaches of the room. ‘And how have you been?’ Tad asked in an effort to keep the evening on a relatively normal footing.

‘Fine, I’ve been fine.’ Rawhide’s hand crept lower for a tantalizing moment, and then reached to caress Tad’s face. ‘Love, remember last Sunday afternoon?’

Tad blushed and glanced over to an apparently oblivious Buckaroo. There was no mistaking or ignoring Rawhide’s tone of voice. ‘How could I forget?’

‘Remember what you said?’ Rawhide brushed Tad’s hair back and leaned close to run kisses along his hairline.

Tad thought for a moment. ‘A few things,’ he said, suspicious. ‘Was there anything out of the ordinary?’

‘At one stage while I had most of your junk down my throat,’ Rawhide said, ‘you expressed a wish that I could have most of my junk screwing your lovely ass at the same time.’

‘Uh huh.’ Tad sat there under Rawhide’s lazily wondering hands, gazing blankly at Buckaroo. There was definitely a smirk lurking around the other man’s lips.

‘So I spoke to Buckaroo, because I know he’s interested in your welfare, too, and we came up with a solution,’ Rawhide continued.

‘Uh huh.’ Tad watched the smile on Buckaroo’s averted face slowly, irresistibly grow. ‘And Buckaroo’s going to surgically rearrange your anatomy for me, is he?’

‘Something even more drastic,’ was Rawhide’s reply.

Buckaroo eventually looked up as the silence lengthened. As he met Tad’s gaze, he smiled, shy and rueful. ‘My participation has been requested,’ he explained, scratching his head bemusedly.

‘Uh huh.’

‘If it’s what you’d like,’ Buckaroo added.

Rawhide broke in. ‘You’ve been so good to me – all my whims and wants…’

‘Uh huh.’

‘Rawhide figured out I was your lover, too,’ Buckaroo said with a shrug.

‘It’s that smile, it’s unmistakable. Anyone who Tad loves develops this remarkable smile. Something along the lines of happy with how things are, and happier still at how things are gonna be.’

‘I’m flattered you both take me so seriously.’

‘Of course we do, lover. Your every wish, and all that.’

Tad smiled. ‘Then I hope you guys know what you’re letting yourselves in for.’

‘Er, Buckaroo. Did I warn you he gets highly imaginative sometimes?’

‘Yes, you did, Rawhide.’ Buckaroo turned a quirky half-smile on them both. ‘I believe you mentioned that was a positive benefit.’

♦


End file.
